Day 9: Mostly uneventful

• Helped Aunt S pack her U-Haul


• Made peanut butter cup cheesecake


• Met G's cousin's boyfriend and introduced him to Popeye (G's grandfather). For those who don't know, Popeye was cremated, and his ashes are in a box sitting around the family house. He was only a little traumatized.


• No really, that's about it for the day. The rest was just generally hanging out with the family.

Day 8: And then there were two

• Wake up far too early to get J on the bus to the airport


• Separate for breakfast with respective friends. G at Pamela's, M at 61C Cafe. G has final moment to wax nostalgic.


• Reunite and head out of town. M soon realizes she forgot to eat breakfast. Stop at next travel plaza.


• G's eyelids get droopy. M takes over driving while G naps.


• Pennsylvania Turnpike is boring. Switch drivers again.


• Roll into Atlantic City and just after weddiing shower for G's aunt S and soon-to-be-uncle F. S is still wearing her penis necklace. Penis and breast balloons still decorate the house. Family discusses sample of gifts and story of how F appeared to want to crawl into a hole and die. G thanks God for Philly traffic.


• Family dinner. With this meal, we have eaten in every state we have visited, from coast to coast!


• Family time


• Crash at family home in Ventnor

Day 7: G doesn't miss Pittsburgh at all. No, really. Okay, maybe a little.

• Yet another mediocre continental breakfast


• J takes her final driving shift on the truck-infested Ohio Turnpike


• Ohio grows corn, too!


• Enter Pennsylvania, where there is... (drumroll... wait for it...) CORN!


• Stop at Hemophilia Health Services in Warrendale, PA to pick up factor and meet people


• Arrive on campus at CMU and find good parking spot. Within two minutes of leaving the car, a Random Person shoves a gallon jug of water in our faces. RP: Did you get water yet? G: No... RP (realizing that we have no idea what's going on): Do you live on campus? G: No. RP: Do you live in the Oakland area? G (deciding it would be quicker to just explain than continue with yes/no): I'm an alumnus visiting campus. RP: Oh! Well, there was a water main break in Oakland, and the tap water isn't safe to drink.


• Lunch at trucks. G enjoys Sree's lunch thoroughly and waxes nostalgic.


• Visit G's advisors


• Wander around campus. G gives J tour and waxes nostalgic.


• Run into CIA recruiting table, where chair has removed her shirt and dumped water on herself


• Visit office of The Tartan. G shoots Nerf gun and waxes nostalgic.


• M finds best hotel deal yet at Shadyside Inn, a two-bedroom suite for $99


• Wait for someone to call with something exciting to do. Nobody calls.


• Arrive in suite to find fruit basket containing Pepperidge Farm cookies, Lindor truffles, and nine fruits, as well as a breakfast bag with muffin and juice. Hang out in suite for a couple of hours.


• J shows signs of road-trip-induced exhaustion:
  • M: Where should we get ice cream? G: Dave and Andy's. Duh. J: What? Gay manatees in Canada?
  • M: I got invited to deaf bingo night. J: With actual deaf people or fake deaf people?
  • J (discussing M's sign language class): Wait, so now you can read braille?


• Eat at Dave & Andy's. G gets Birthday Cake and Cookie Dough and waxes nostalgic.


• Wander around down Atwood, where Homer still keeps watch, then around Oakland. G waxes nostalgic.


• Hang out next to crazy empty castle-looking building in Oakland with B


• Half price food and hanging out with friends at Fuel & Fuddle. G disappointedly notes disappearance of C'mon Iwana Leya pizza and.. well, you get the idea.


• Crash at Shadyside Inn

Day 6: The Windy City, where Windy = Weird

• Yet another thoroughly mediocre continental breakfast


• Start the day's driving by running a toll for lack of coinage at an unattended coin basket


• Arrive in Chicago, which suffers from a distinct lack of signage. Other interesting features of the Chicago driving experience include drivers (especially taxi drivers) who use their horns too much, pedestrians that don't jaywalk, a preponderance of trucks, and generally bad driving.


• Lake Michigan is very big. One might even say it is great.


• G calls to arrange factor pickup in Pittsburgh. G's parents can stop fretting.


• Drive by Lincoln Park, then decide to proceed to Navy Pier. End up seeing much more of Lincoln Park than originally intended due to aforementioned traffic features.


• Arrive at Navy Pier and wander around. There is apparently some kind of pirate show going on a stage in the middle of the stores. They attempt a little Irish jig, and it becomes readily apparent that one of the four pirates apparently has some training in Irish dance and has taught a (very small) bit to the others.


• LEGO HAGRID!


• Navy Pier gets even weirder closer to the end. Next comes the self-proclaimed largest museum in the world devoted entirely to stained glass. Finally is the anti-drug museum featuring history of enforcement and pictures of famous and non-famous people who have died from overdoses.


• Lunch at a Mexican restaurant on Navy Pier. We are still in the Midwest. We know this because the waiter told us the salsa was a little spicy but quite flavorful. By the end of the meal, G's mouth burns more from the salt than from the salsa.


• Consider sightseeing cruise, but decide on mini golf instead. G wins despite bounciest mini golf ball in the world. Twice his ball bounced off the edge of the cup on his first shot, and twice his ball actually bounced off the middle of the bottom of the cup and back out. He is not the least bit bitter.


• After exploring more Chicago neighborhoods due to further encounters with aforementioned traffic features, find Costco and purchase new spare tire. M and J's parents can stop fretting.


• Enter main part of Costco, apparently via a portal to a parallel universe. The entire store is mirrored on the diagonal passing through the entrance/exit, and it sells hard liquor and tobacco.


• Inconvenient construction and rush hour added to list of traffic features upon departure from Chicago


• Indiana also contains corn


• Unremarkable dinner at a travel plaza in Indiana


• J takes another shift, this time driving through sunset. Upon setting of sun, trucks take over entire highway.


• G takes over at the wheel, curses truckers who feel they can take several minutes to execute a single pass, and is subsequently vexed by RV caravan with tail vehicle traveling at times under speed limit in left lane to guard passing room for first two vehicles


• Crash at Days Inn in Fremont

Day 5: Corn, billboards, corn, corn, cheese, corn, and traffic

• Wake up late. It's a good thing, because we were all zonked. Grab quick donut from continental breakfast leftovers.


• J takes another successful driving shift


• Visit Corn Palace in Mitchell, SD. Turns out to just be community center with corn-by-number murals and gift shop. Another tourist trap checked off.


• Billboard Lesson 1: "Abortion is murder."


• G has promised vast expanses of cornfield in SD and MN. M establishes standard of 90 minutes of driving by cornfield. After previous disappointments due to broken promises (see: green hot springs in Yellowstone, yellow hills in Badlands), G decides to leave no doubt as to the fulfillment of this one and takes J's watch for stopwatch use.


• Billboard Lesson 2: "I had fingerprints 7 months before I was born."


• Billboard Lesson 3: SD is not shy about its adult superstores.


• Crossing into MN, G has 47 minutes of corn time. It's looking good.


• Stop for lunch at Chit Chat Family Restaurant. Nothing else to say.


• Billboard Lesson 4: Money grows on trees in Worth County, IA.


• Oooohhh, look! Amber waves of grain! (dramatization)
  corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn cows corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn cows corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn


• 90 minutes of corn! Turns out there's a lot more in MN than in SD, and G didn't even need to bother with the timing. M and J are suitably impressed with cornfield vastness.


• Billboard Lesson 5: MN is not shy about its adult superstores, either.


• Billboard Lesson 6: "Life... What a trip! It begins at conception."


• Wisconsin is full of cheese and traffic


• J takes her second driving shift of the day and gets in minor fender bender in construction zone. Just kidding, she does fine.


• G finally gets to share the joys of Perkins pies with M and J at dinner


• Illinois is full of toll plazas


• Blast from the past! (Only G's family will recognize this.)


• Crash at the Quality Inn in Elgin, IL


• Total driving time: ~10 hours. Total mileage: ~700

Day 4: Cue the B. J. Thomas music

• Breakfast at Subway. M and J get Veggie Delite subs. Just to be more ridiculous, J gets hers with spicy mustard.


• G feels less bad about his lack of Perkins finding ability previous night upon seeing it in the opposite direction of the one in which the nice lady mean old hag sent us


• Pick up a hitchhiker. Figure business suit more than cancels out bloody axe in sketch factor.


• Cow sighting promptly prompts discussion of cow tipping


• Rain and fog make for an exciting drive, especially when J attempts to drink (water) and drive.


• Texas trail?


• Mt. Rushmore perfectly designed so visitors pass through grand archway to see... fog


• Dine at Mt. Rushmore in vain hope that fog will burn off while we eat


• Hope turns out to not be so vain, after all


• M becomes expert at high-speed billboard photography as we approach...


• Wall Drug! J thorougly enjoys riding jackalope, though her first expenditure of the trip turns out to be less exciting. She pays for "Sam" to sing, but the damn monkey doesn't even move!


• Badlands National Park. Another one of those things where the pictures speak for themselves.


• More wildlife sightings throughout the day


• People watching at Badlands almost as good as people watching at Yellowstone. Linear setup of park causes many run-ins with the same family and its oh-so-entertaining dynamics.


• Walk along Fossil Trail, consisting of a brief boardwalk loop leading to six fossils in cases on ground. Accompanying signs mostly of the following form: "This fossil comes from X, which shared a common ancestor with Y. Here's a random fact about Y."


• Farmers are silly


• M kisses Badlands goodbye


• M and G have extensive discussion of where to stay. Considerations include next few days of driving and sightseeing, blogging, and tiredness. Surprise entry into Central time causes snap decision to stop at next city. J books cheapest room yet.


• J is boggled by discussions of calculus, discrete math, graph theory, group theory, and linear logic, common fodder for discussions between M and G


• G scares crap out of companions by flipping out upon finding his favorite road sign ever


• Dinner at Al's Oasis. We have entered Midwest. We know this because "salad bar" contains two types of JELL-O, seven different mayonnaise-based concoctions, iceburg lettuce, and carrots. J avoids eating grilled cheese sandwich just to spite Mom.


• Crash at Best Western in Chamberlain, SD.


• Total driving time: ~9 hours. Total mileage: ~500 mi.

Day 3: Variety is the spice of road trips. Which is good, because the food is pretty bland out here.

• Breakfast shows improvement over yesterday, which isn't saying much


• Day starts with wildlife sightings, which continue throughout the day. Highlights include many bison, with one at a range of about 10 yards, and a moose with its child.
  
  
  


• More geothermal phenomena. Less colorful, more smelly than yesterday.


• Grand Canyon of the Yellowstone. Lovely views, very cool waterfalls.


• Lunch at Lake Yellowstone Hotel. G has second bison meal of the trip, this time a burger.


• Stroll along Lake Yellowstone, then head out of the park


• Just outside park, discover Crossed Sabers ranch, where M and J once rode horses




• M wonders how Mountain and Central time zones are different. G is nearly rendered speechless, then explains that they are in fact an hour off. J says she's never heard of Mountain time before.


• The city of Cody (pop. ~8000) apparently contains a Mongolian import business, with an INFLATABLE YURT out front.


• See nothing but plains and road ahead of us. J thinks this is incredibly cool. G is once again baffled.



• Turn onto US 14, which is under construction. For the second time today, end up behind a "pilot car" that leads us through the construction.


• Enter Shell Canyon, which is surprisingly beautiful. US-14 continues to impress through sunset, and then views of vast expanse of plains below at dusk.


• Last wildlife sighting of the day: Several cars are pulled over, we join them to see a moose by the side of the road. Moose then approaches the car and crosses the road about 15 yards away. Discussion turns to hypothetical situations involving moose-car interactions and how to avoid being killed.


• Apparently, there's a smiley face on the mountain.




• Stop for dinner in Sheridan, WY, at a place that has just closed. Hostess informs us that Perkins and Sanford's should still be open. G heads for Perkins, fails to find it, ends up back on the same stretch of I-90 we had originally taken into town.


• Manage to find Sanford's after a couple of passes on a very empty Main St. For no apparent reason, it features the largest menus, forks, and receipts ever. Seriously, the receipt is so wide G has to fold it lengthwise to fit it in his wallet.


• G misses turn to hotel, ends up back on favorite stretch of I-90 for a third time. M and J are not impressed.

Day 2: Blowouts and geysers and wolves, oh my!

• Roll out of bed just in time for free continental breakfast, immediately discover why it is free. Exhaustive listing of available foods: sliced bread (a la Wonderbread), butter, Froot Loops, Cocoa Puffs, tater tots, hard-boiled eggs, orange slices, apple juice, orange-tangerine juice, milk. Latter are in plastic pitchers covered with plastic wrap.


• M starts driving toward Salt Lake, we catch a glimpse of Mormon temple. But only after mistaking state capitol for temple. Who surrounds a very important religious building with skyscrapers and puts the capitol alone on a hill?


• Stop for supplies at Super Target. G marvels at the fact that real estate is so cheap, he can stand in the middle of produce/bakery section and not have a single product within six feet. Successfully acquire dark chocolate M&M's for completion of trail mix.


• J starts first driving shift


• M spots Mormon church. G helpfully points out said building is an industrial complex. Turns out, M wasn't too far off: it's a Mormon industrial complex.


• J tries to kill us all by suffering a blowout, calmly pulling over to side of road. Roadside assist arrives in less than 30 minutes, less than 45 minutes lost altogether.


• G takes over driving, manages to get all the way to Yellowstone without blowout


• Stop for lunch. People are much more expressive about being Christian here. Subway is closed on Sundays, Burger King contains God poster and Book of Mormon.


• Arrive at information station just in time to see ranger closing up for the day


• See dozens of cars pulled over on the side of the road, dozens of people taking pictures with elk on river bank. Watching people flip out over a couple of animals turns out to be more entertaining than watching elk graze.


• "Paint pots." M vividly remembers blue, green, and red, we only see blue and red. G and J are sorely disappointed.


• Geyser crater from massive eruption and colorful hot spring. Picture worth thousand words.


• See osprey hunting and pair of bald eagles cruising; raven hangs out in parking lot, J dubs it Quoth, the raven.


• Arrive at Old Faithful area. Probably largest parking lot in all of National Parks system.


• M (reading sign): Next eruption within ten minutes of 6:56. What time is it? J: 6:53. Very nice, high five!


• Old Faithful viewing area ridiculously large. Once again, spectators turn out to be more entertaining than main attraction.


• Eruption!


• Bison lounges, people take pictures. Including present company, of course.


• Dinner with chipmunks at Old Faithful Lodge. Mmmm, buffalo chili. M and J don't appreciate tasty meat.


• Two more mammal sightings: wolf attempts suicide by crossing road in front of car, bat successfully commits suicide by flying into windshield.


• Crash at one of two Best Westerns in West Yellowstone.


• Total driving time: ~7 hours. Total mileage: ~400 miles.